woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She needs sedatives and a leash
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
