i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize