he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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