My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
