Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
