I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
two words...techno handjob
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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