i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
