think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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