how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
