apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
