btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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