he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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