People in love make me want to vomit
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
