bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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