So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
