she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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