Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
