I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
