he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize