i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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