Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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