i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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