my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
