Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
