On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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