I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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