Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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