My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
