Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
