my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
