I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
