Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
