Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
