Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
