i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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