I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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