I am puke
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
