1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
