And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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