This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
