I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
