Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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