There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
