Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
