actually, I'm a sock model
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize