if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
