do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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