Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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