Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize