my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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