i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
