she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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