I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
