Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
