pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
